Happy new year 2020

20/20 

Day 1

How do I start, My name is Judith, I will start by saying that once upon a time I was a very happy little girl who had many dreams, but my main dream was to get married and have 5 kids, for a time I fulfilled my dream and had only 2 kids, a girl and a boy and had a happy life...and then I started dreaming about the life of my children...I dreamed about my girl with a very handsome man, and two kids just like her mom..my boy I know there was going to be some trouble about the women who try to steal him from me, oh lord my lord........My husband on the other side was super jealous of his princess, oh no she probably would' ve have gotten married very late, that man probably wouldn't know what he was getting into...I always thought of that big fight, even her younger brother would punch that boy..poor boy....no one to help him, maybe I will step out, but who know maybe I will get jealous as well...

I had the most beautiful family, I went crazy by Christmas, and enrolled my kids in every sports I could I afford....since today is the new year, (twenty-twenty this is how my kids call it) I will start by saying that surprising I had 2 years I do not celebrate Christmas, last year I did not miss it that much, but this year I missed those beautiful moments , seeing my children opening those presents...I always packed that Christmas tree with a least 50 presents, everything well packed so that they will take forever unpacking it, not much in each package, but the thrill of opening them, I loved those moments..

My children are 12 years old and my daughter is 14 soon to be 15......There is a reason why I stopped celebrating Christmas, when I think of it I get this knot  on my stomach and there are no tears enough to release it, its the worst pain a parents can go through, for me its like death, and sometimes its worst...writing here will alleviate my pain...a pain that will be with me until I die, its been almost 2 years since the news and I don't see myself recovering, I am not like my husband, he is able to block stuffs that could hurt him., I don't know if I want to be like that, I could release  all that pain in just one day and hurt the people that love me the most...

where do I find comfort? every where, I look at the sky and reach for it, you made me, you know I am weak, please come and help me....my family specially my grandmother who is 88 and is the person who know me the most..I closed my eyes and just pretend I am a little girl who is protected by a grandmother who is able to fight any monsters, my past, my beautiful childhood, the flowers and sometimes I just pretend my father is next to me and start crying, then I look at his face and I see him nervous and unable to help me, but I could sense he wants to hug me and tell me that its ok, its ok you have me... and I have to stop crying I don't want to worry him , but then I look around and he is no where and then I really stopped because I know wherever he is,  he is struggling to get loose and give me that hug that when he was alive he never gave me.. ... and sometimes I just cry until I feel dry inside and my chest hurt...

 sometimes, I don't understand how this happen to me, today I ate food full of tears, oh lord I can't stop crying maybe tomorrow will be better...